1. On Tuesday, Californians are voting on whether or not to legalize marijuana. I’m not optimistic. Oh, I think users will vote for it, but they’ll get to the polls sometime Wednesday.
2. Charlie Sheen! What’s wrong with you, boy? You don’t wear a $150,000 Patek Phillippe watch to go out drinking. Whenever I go out drinking, I don’t even wear clothes! That way, when I get drunk, the only thing I lose is my dignity.
3. Guilty! Anna Nicole’s lawyer/not-the-father/boyfriend, Howard K. Stern, is found guilty of conspiracy to provide drugs to a known addict. Sounds fair. But shouldn’t they charge the person who provided Elvis Presley with all those Eskimo Pies? Seriously.
4. What a shock to hear Mariah Carey is pregnant with her second child. I hope Nick isn’t too jealous when his baby brother comes along….. excuse me?……..he’s what?……… her husband?…….. Shut Up! My bad.
5. Maura Kelly doesn’t like Mike & Molly, saying fat people gross her out and she can’t watch them. Maura, you clearly interact with more cats than people. Too bad fat people gross you out. I guess you’ll never see the end of an opera.