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April, 2011

Guess who was on “Jenny Jones?”

Did you recognize her right away? It was October 1991 when Martha Stewart appeared on “Jenny Jones.” It was my first year on television and that was twenty years ago! Make sure to check out the audience members because about five years later, it was their grandchildren who were coming to my show! Martha and I made potpourri and she took questions from the audience. It’s great fun to see how we all looked back in the day. Martha looks great and I’m in this severe burgundy satin blouse with…..wait a minute…..are those shoulder pads?!? Those can’t be my real shoulders! Either that or my head was a lot smaller then. Click here to watch the video


Stupid, Stupid!

One regret I have about no longer hosting my talk show is that I am not able to interview certain people in the news. There are a few dumb people I’d like to talk to just once, if their stupidity didn’t leave me speechless, and I’d call this episode “The reason everyone stammers – is you’re dumb as a box of hammers.”

Here’s my guest list:

1)  The woman who called 9-1-1 to report that someone stole her snowman. Just one question: Why didn’t you bring it inside for safekeeping?

2)  The two men trying to smuggle the corpse of a 91-year-old relative onto an airplane. They claimed the body in the wheelchair wearing sunglasses was just sleeping. Once arrested, they said she was alive when they checked in…nice try. If they make a movie about these guys, they should call it Mistakes on a Plane.

3)  The man who showed up in court for his DUI hearing 1 ½ hours late…and drunk. He stumbled into the courthouse carrying an open can of beer with four more in a bag. He tried to trash the beer.  Yeah, if he hid the beer, I’m pretty sure nobody would have noticed he was drunk.

4)  The bank robber, whose DNA matched the gold teeth he left at the scene of the crime. It seems he robbed the bank and as he was fleeing, he stuffed the gun in his waistband and accidently fired into his pants.  The bullet missed but then he was hit by a van, managed to stumble into a getaway car, leaving his gun and two gold teeth behind. He was arrested a few days later. If I were going to rob a bank, I would do a practice run first (with the gun), and remove anything from my body loose enough to fall off.

5)  The Arizona bride who was arrested at her wedding reception. I guess the bride was gettin’ down & dirty on the dance floor with some uninvited guests and this didn’t sit well with the groom. So he started a fight that turned into a rumble. When the police arrived, they found the bride (easy to spot in her flouncy white dress & cowboy boots) fighting with a pregnant woman. Not exactly a traditional wedding, you say? Not if you look deep enough: Something old (probably the boots, maybe the bride), something new (a criminal record), something borrowed (bail money), something blue (parts of her face!).


A fossil in the back yard

We found a fossil in the back yard! Our gardener found it on the hill behind the house and he thinks it’s a fish. We were all pretty excited to think about our little spot being here thousands, million, billions of years ago? And under water? I took this picture with the dime to show the size of it. It makes me wonder what else I would find if I went up there for a dig…maybe some rattlesnake bones? On second thought, I’ll let the gardener go up there. Nothing scares him… except for his wife.


Please go away

There are some people who just need to go away for a while – not forever – but just until they learn how to behave… kind of a time out for grown ups. When kids are given a time out, it’s a chance to slow down and think about what they’ve done. So here are my suggestions for some oversized children who could use a time out:

Lindsay Lohan. She’s a talented actress but we need a break from the endless drama that she seems addicted to. She could use some time away in a quiet room with no cell phone…no parties…no booze…and no parents!  I can’t decide what’s the most damaging – the boozing or the parenting.

Chris Brown. Again, a huge talent (I love to watch him dance) but his success was too much too soon. Chris, why don’t you donate all the money from your new album to a battered women’s shelter? And take some time to read a book on anger management in a quiet room with no plate glass windows! And f.y.i., I’m still being asked questions about a scandal from 15 years ago so get used to it.

And I’m still not over Tiger Woods. Next to Bernie Madoff… he was one of the biggest frauds of the century. Bernie had some of my money too, but I feel like Tiger cheated on me personally. Tiger (time for a name change?) should be in a quiet room too, reflecting on the number of people he disappointed. But hey, good news: Bernie Madoff IS in a quiet room!

Who did I miss?

NEW ADDITIONS BASED ON YOUR COMMENTS:

Miley Cyrus – The whole family could use some quiet time and live in the real world for a while. They’re clearly living too fast… Billy Ray has had no time to get a haircut!

Michael Vick – He needs a long time out in a quiet room with hungry dogs.

Charlie Sheen – He might voluntarily go away after being booed by the audience in his first “concert” in Detroit tonight, which was called “a disaster” and “the worst show in history,” with angry people walking out demanding refunds. Let’s hope it’s the reality check he needs to take a time out.

Mel Gibson & Everybody on Jersey Shore. Oh, I almost forgot: Randy Quaid!