Sara writes…
Dear Jenny,
Hi my name is Sara and I am 23 years old. For the past 4 1/2 years I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety ever since my boyfriend and I broke up. He was my high school sweetheart, my first true love.. and I really loved him. Well we were on and off for awhile until he finally found a new girlfriend who he has been with for almost 2 years. I’ve been dating around, trying to find a new guy.. but the problem is I just keep getting too attached too quickly and I always seem to end up getting my heart broken. I feel almost desperate to find someone to love me again, but time after time it just keeps ending up in heartache for me. I’m beginning to think that I will never have a real relationship again. I dream of getting married and becoming a mom and I feel like time is just passing me by and all of my friends have boyfriends and some are already married with kids. I know 23 is still young, and my mom tells me I still have “time”.. but what happens when I’m 40 years old and still alone? I don’t know, I feel like maybe I never really got over my ex and it’s hindering me from truly being happy. I mean don’t get me wrong – there are guys who try to date me but all the nice guys I don’t like, and all the bad guys I fall head over heels for. I’m just sick of crying myself to sleep at night and I want to find someone without pushing them away. Please help.. I don’t know how much more of this loneliness I can take.

My response…
Dear Sara,
I can feel the pain in your words. Where do I start? If you’ve been truly depressed for 4 1/2 years, you probably should talk to a professional who can treat your depression. However, if you’ve just been moping for 4 1/2 years, that’s a different story. I know it’s tough to lose your first love – it happened to me too and I admit that I still think about him. But it’s more wondering who he is today as a person. On a side note, I just heard from another old boyfriend that I was crazy about years ago, and now that he’s older, he’s a completely different (& not-so-nice) person – and not the Mr. Perfect I thought he was! But at the time he was my dream guy. People change as they get older, so even though teenagers are in crazy love, once they develop into adults, a lot of times they grow apart and find a more compatible partner. If you believe in fate, your ex is not the guy for you. I believe it’s actually better NOT to be tied down at 23. In about 5 more years, you’ll know better who you are and you won’t need a man to validate you. Right now you’re sounding desperate and nothing scares a good man away faster than a desperate woman. You even said you feel “almost desperate to find someone to love me again.” My advice? Stop looking for a man. You don’t need one right now. We need to find you first. Focus on your career, your work, and on yourself. You can choose not to be lonely. Go out with friends, join a gym, volunteer, take classes in something new, take a second job, do positive things and your self esteem will grow and you will soon be a new, confidant woman (the kind good men like). I think you keep falling for bad guys because that’s all you think you deserve. Soon you’ll be telling those bad guys to take a hike! If you build up your confidence, you won’t feel like you “need” a man. And as soon as you don’t need one, the right guy will find you.

Jenny

Anonymous writes…
Dear Jenny,
I am dating a great man however, his three teenaged children are rude, liars and just seriously are not worth trying with anymore. He has tried so hard with them but they do and say EVERYTHING their mother tells them. Our relationship is slowly ending because of them, something is always brewing and stirring amongst them. We were talking marriage and were very thankful to find each other again after all this time. How do I tell him it is over because of his children and his ex? I cannot take it anymore. I will miss him dearly and I need the correct words reminding him it is not him.
Thank you,
Anonymous

My response…
Dear Anonymous,
I have been exactly where you are. I was dating a great man with four children and I married him, too naive to know that his children would impact my life forever. Luckily, you are not married to him yet, and I can assure you that if you did marry, things would only get worse. But it seems you know that already. And my guess is he probably does too. I don’t see any reason to blame anyone as that would serve no purpose except to alienate his family. If you care about him, then don’t put him in the position of his kids being blamed for this relationship ending. My suggestion is to take the high road and tell him that this relationship is just too complicated and that you need to move on. But be firm and don’t give him the opportunity to say how things will get better, etc… They won’t. “I still care for you, but I don’t see a future together for us.” He’ll know why and you’ll be leaving with dignity and class. I wish you the best.
Jenny

“Overprotected” Writes…
Hi, Jenny. I’ve been dating this guy for over a year. He’s 21 and I’m 18. My parents don’t really let me out and when they do, I have to be home at 8. They’re very strict and don’t want anything to happen to me. I understand that I’m living under their roof and have to follow their rules, but shouldn’t I be able to just be a teenager and have fun with my friends and bf? I love him a lot and have been fighting to be with him but it’s really getting hard lately. He told me if I can’t see him more we’ll have to break up. He said we could still be friends but I still want to be his girlfriend. What can I do or say to my parents so that I can keep my relationship with my boyfriend and my parents strong.

Always,
“Overprotected”

My Response…
Dear Overprotected,

I agree that your parents are overprotective. At 18 years old, a lot of kids have left home to live on their own. I know I did. A curfew of 8 pm seems extreme but you must know they are doing this out of love. Unless your boyfriend is a bad guy, like a drug-user or is promiscuous, you may be able to negotiate with your parents. As a start, why not suggest double-dating with two other family members that they trust. Once they get used to that, try going to an evening movie with just your bf, tell your parents where it is, what time it’s over, and then come right home. If they can take it slowly like that, you might have some success. I also suggest having your guy over to spend time with your parents and let them know him. Maybe if they knew him better, they would loosen up a bit. It’s my opinion that by overprotecting you, they are not helping prepare you for the real world, where you will have to deal with things on your own. If you’re a student, maybe you could try living on campus. If not, and you have a job, maybe it’s time to move out.

Jenny
p.s. If your boyfriend truly cares for you, he will wait for you.

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