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I just snapped this in the back yard – I’m looking for a good caption. Any ideas?
🙂 Best So Far: “Can you smell me now?” by Josh 🙂
I just snapped this in the back yard – I’m looking for a good caption. Any ideas?
🙂 Best So Far: “Can you smell me now?” by Josh 🙂
One regret I have about no longer hosting my talk show is that I am not able to interview certain people in the news. There are a few dumb people I’d like to talk to just once, if their stupidity didn’t leave me speechless, and I’d call this episode “The reason everyone stammers – is you’re dumb as a box of hammers.”
Here’s my guest list:
1) The woman who called 9-1-1 to report that someone stole her snowman. Just one question: Why didn’t you bring it inside for safekeeping?
2) The two men trying to smuggle the corpse of a 91-year-old relative onto an airplane. They claimed the body in the wheelchair wearing sunglasses was just sleeping. Once arrested, they said she was alive when they checked in…nice try. If they make a movie about these guys, they should call it Mistakes on a Plane.
3) The man who showed up in court for his DUI hearing 1 ½ hours late…and drunk. He stumbled into the courthouse carrying an open can of beer with four more in a bag. He tried to trash the beer. Yeah, if he hid the beer, I’m pretty sure nobody would have noticed he was drunk.
4) The bank robber, whose DNA matched the gold teeth he left at the scene of the crime. It seems he robbed the bank and as he was fleeing, he stuffed the gun in his waistband and accidently fired into his pants. The bullet missed but then he was hit by a van, managed to stumble into a getaway car, leaving his gun and two gold teeth behind. He was arrested a few days later. If I were going to rob a bank, I would do a practice run first (with the gun), and remove anything from my body loose enough to fall off.
5) The Arizona bride who was arrested at her wedding reception. I guess the bride was gettin’ down & dirty on the dance floor with some uninvited guests and this didn’t sit well with the groom. So he started a fight that turned into a rumble. When the police arrived, they found the bride (easy to spot in her flouncy white dress & cowboy boots) fighting with a pregnant woman. Not exactly a traditional wedding, you say? Not if you look deep enough: Something old (probably the boots, maybe the bride), something new (a criminal record), something borrowed (bail money), something blue (parts of her face!).
We found a fossil in the back yard! Our gardener found it on the hill behind the house and he thinks it’s a fish. We were all pretty excited to think about our little spot being here thousands, million, billions of years ago? And under water? I took this picture with the dime to show the size of it. It makes me wonder what else I would find if I went up there for a dig…maybe some rattlesnake bones? On second thought, I’ll let the gardener go up there. Nothing scares him… except for his wife.
Hi everybody. We are aware that some of your comments are not being accepted into the chat room and as soon as we have it figured out, the news will be posted here. Sorry… 🙁
There are some people who just need to go away for a while – not forever – but just until they learn how to behave… kind of a time out for grown ups. When kids are given a time out, it’s a chance to slow down and think about what they’ve done. So here are my suggestions for some oversized children who could use a time out:
Lindsay Lohan. She’s a talented actress but we need a break from the endless drama that she seems addicted to. She could use some time away in a quiet room with no cell phone…no parties…no booze…and no parents! I can’t decide what’s the most damaging – the boozing or the parenting.
Chris Brown. Again, a huge talent (I love to watch him dance) but his success was too much too soon. Chris, why don’t you donate all the money from your new album to a battered women’s shelter? And take some time to read a book on anger management in a quiet room with no plate glass windows! And f.y.i., I’m still being asked questions about a scandal from 15 years ago so get used to it.
And I’m still not over Tiger Woods. Next to Bernie Madoff… he was one of the biggest frauds of the century. Bernie had some of my money too, but I feel like Tiger cheated on me personally. Tiger (time for a name change?) should be in a quiet room too, reflecting on the number of people he disappointed. But hey, good news: Bernie Madoff IS in a quiet room!
Who did I miss?
NEW ADDITIONS BASED ON YOUR COMMENTS:
Miley Cyrus – The whole family could use some quiet time and live in the real world for a while. They’re clearly living too fast… Billy Ray has had no time to get a haircut!
Michael Vick – He needs a long time out in a quiet room with hungry dogs.
Charlie Sheen – He might voluntarily go away after being booed by the audience in his first “concert” in Detroit tonight, which was called “a disaster” and “the worst show in history,” with angry people walking out demanding refunds. Let’s hope it’s the reality check he needs to take a time out.
Mel Gibson & Everybody on Jersey Shore. Oh, I almost forgot: Randy Quaid!
Long before Donald Trump hired Dionne Warwick to work on The Apprentice,
guess who SHE hired to work with her?
It was almost 25 years ago that I opened for Dionne Warwick in Lake Tahoe.
So I guess we could say I trumped Donald Trump!
Yesterday, Denis said, “You’ve had a busy week this week so I want to take you out tonight, anywhere you want to go.” It’s true, I’ve been helping my stepmom with her affairs, had some repairs done at the house, a new “Hero” on Thursday, and my own stuff to do, so it was a long week. It was sweet of Denis to offer and it didn’t take long for me to decide where I wanted to go. “Take me to Target. That’s where I want to go.” We had dinner at home (marinated pork loin, roasted vegetables, kitchen sink cookies for dessert) and then headed for Target. I was so excited, planning my adventure in the car, including the two shopping carts I would need for all the stuff I was getting, but I needed time. I will not be rushed at Target – this is my night out. My sweetie pie agreed to hang out in the DVD department until I called him and said I was done, no matter how long it took. (how can I still be mad about his eye test?) Anyway, I had the best time. They have one of those shopping cart escalators that takes your cart up to the second floor….so cool! There was hardly anyone there and I covered the whole store in about an hour. I didn’t load up two carts, but I did get a set of measuring spoons and a T-shirt. We came home, I made popcorn, and we watched a movie. Now that was a fun Saturday night!
Here’s a picture of a two-storey Target: (there are several in SoCal)
I know I’ve said a lot of nice things about my man, Denis, but I’m not feeling it right now. It’s always been my responsibility to schedule our health checkups, like annual physicals, teeth cleaning, eye exams, etc., which I do and Denis has always gone as scheduled. But we are now at a standoff and I don’t know what to do. He refuses to go for an eye exam. He hasn’t had one in three years and the worst part is – he made a promise! He promised me last year he would go by Valentine’s Day of this year. And just like everything else, he left it until the last minute and had to go out of town and there was his excuse. Well he’s been back for a month and every time I ask, he says he’ll do it but guess what? He’s not doing it. Here’s everything I’ve tried:
1. I said I would make the appointment so he won’t have to – he said no.
2. I gave him articles saying why it’s important to get annual eye exams. No.
3. I asked him to do it for me for last Christmas – it was the only gift I wanted. No.
4. I asked him to do it for Valentine’s Day and he PROMISED he would. He didn’t.
5. I told him no more hugs until he goes. It didn’t work – I needed a hug yesterday.
6. I stopped making his favorite snack – deviled eggs. So what?
7. I have refused to make my barbeque ribs. No big deal.
8. I tried harassing him every day. Nothing changed.
9. I said, “I don’t care if you never go.” Neither did he.
10. I tried sulking but he thought it was for something else stupid he did.
Anyway, I need advice. He needs to get his eyes checked. How hard can it be? A teeth cleaning is more stressful than an eye test. And doesn’t he have to bend over for a physical? Hey….I almost forgot….he went willingly for his colonoscopy! Twice! And they can’t poke around his eyes???
If you’re a regular visitor, you know Mrs. News (Kathy) is giving back to those facing struggles by crocheting beautiful, colorful “chemo caps” and she donates them to cancer patients going through chemo. How wonderful for people to know that a stranger wants to help. I originally posted a photo of these lovely caps on January 31st and since then, a website visitor (Marsha), who recently started crocheting chemo caps, asked Kathy for, and received, the pattern. Then today, this message came in: “Hello, I came across this site by accident and saw your beautiful and colorful caps. They’re gorgeous! I would love to purchase a couple for my 18yr old daughter who was recently diagnosed with Ewing Sarcoma cancer in February 2011. She has lost all of her hair. She is in chemo treatment every 2 weeks. She has received many nice caps from generous people but would really enjoy some colorful and bright, spring colors. Thank you for your consideration. Gwen Dela Cruz
Kathy, you are an angel, a role model, and a special kind of “Jenny’s Hero.” Here is the link to Gwen’s daughter, Alexis’ story:
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/alexisdelacruz/mystory
And here is another look at Kathy’s beautiful caps…
UPDATE (April 3rd): Kathy reports that Alexis has received her Chemo Caps and loves them. Kathy says, “That made me feel like I was able to help her smile, at least for a little while. I also included a pair of “funglasses” to make her smile. I am also sending many more to her to pass out at the childrens cancer ward. I wanted to thank you for being the bridge for connecting us!”
I haven’t seen the Baron since last Friday when that nasty squirrel claimed my yard, waiting for our plums to get ripe. I would have gladly shared those plums with the Baron, but then if he didn’t like my eggs, I’m not sure he’d appreciate the fruit either. I keep looking for him every morning but I will always have the memory of my transient beautiful pet. He’s not the first exotic pet in my life. When I was ten, my mother let me get a monkey. Oh, yes she did! What was she thinking? I begged and begged, “If I can have a monkey, I’ll never ask for anything again for the rest of my life!” It was a complete disaster. It was a squirrel monkey and I refused to keep him in a cage – that would be no fun. The first time I let him out, this thing flew – and I mean FLEW like he had wings… across the kitchen, knocking over cups and glasses and food, and frankly, scaring the hell out of me. Luckily, the pet store had a return policy (probably standard for monkeys and pythons). I had a little more sense when I was younger. At nine, my dad let me get a little bunny rabbit. Every kid wants a bunny rabbit at Easter time. But things didn’t go well for “Sniffles.” I had fun with him for a while but once he got bigger and fatter, my dad cooked him. I didn’t strike me as odd but even this neighbor’s kid knew something was up. Those zombie eyes were trying to warn me…. “I see dead rabbits.”