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August, 2010

New Fun Stuff!!

Get your fun slippers on! My new “Fun Stuff” page is ready! There’s a new game, some great photos, jokes (I need more – send me some!), and be sure to let me know how you like my own new and original Pet Peeve Mascot.  We’re constantly working on new additions to the site and ideas are always welcome.

Just click on Mr. Smiley over there.  Have fun!

My own flight attendant run-in

As a comic on the road I had to fly every week to work the clubs.  One time we were still at the gate and I had my carry-on bag on the floor, getting ready to put it away. “That needs to go under the seat,” said the flight attendant.  I said okay as I was getting organized with my book, snack, etc., “I mean now!” he screamed at me.  Everyone looked up.  He scared me actually, and I shoved it under the seat right away, thinking with that attitude, how does he keep his “people” job.  I wondered what he’d say when he came by with the drink cart but to my surprise, he apologized!  He said he was having a rough day and was out of line.  I didn’t expect that but I also wondered if he meant it or he just didn’t want to be reported (which I would never do). I chose to believe he meant it because he seemed sincere, and everyone is entitled to a bad day.  Having worked in sales and as a waitress, I know it can be challenging to deal with people all day, especially people in the stressful situation of flying today.  I can understand a flight attendant having a meltdown.  I’m surprised that he may go to jail and even more surprised that he has an ex-wife!

Help from a tennis ball

I was afraid to go to sleep so I sewed a tennis ball into the back of a T-shirt and slept with no nightmares.  It kept me from sleeping on my back.  I’ll probably do that for a few days, or maybe forever.  My thanks to everyone for their concern and advice.  I should be in good shape to shoot another How-To video tomorrow – I’ll be doing homemade healthy pizza!

I couldn’t breathe

I had a nightmare last night that still has me shaken. I was lying on my back, helpless, and someone was pressing on my chest with immense force to where I couldn’t breathe.  The pressure was so intense it had to be more than just someone’s hands but I couldn’t figure out what it was.  And I couldn’t move.  I started screaming and in my half-awake state I realized I was lying on my back and I thought someone was in the room pushing down on me.  Not sure if I was awake or asleep, I screamed even louder as Denis was trying to wake me up.  Still feeling the pressure on my chest,  I then thought I was having a heart attack (they always say you feel pressure on your chest). “It’s just a dream, it’s just a dream,” Denis kept saying as he held my hand.  In a cold sweat, I still felt paralyzed and could barely catch my breath. I finally woke up but I couldn’t get it out of my head and was afraid to go back to sleep in case it came back so I stayed up.  I’m grateful Denis was there.

LAPD Scare

I heard a helicopter circling over my house yesterday and whenever that happens, I go out with my binoculars to see if it’s the fire department.  This is our fire season and we’re always on alert.  It wasn’t the fire department, it was a private helicopter. Someone was either touring Beverly  Hills or it was hired by a paparazzi to snag a valuable photo.  I felt assured that photo would not be me in my pajamas. I went back inside and then suddenly, I heard an even lower and louder helicopter so I went out again and saw a different one – this was the L.A.P.D.!  It was directly over the house!  They must be looking for an escaped felon who’s hiding out on my hill!  I decided it wasn’t safe outside so I went in and locked all the doors, hoping no one would pick this house as a place to hide.  I imagined that a guy in an orange jumpsuit would come crashing through the back door, tie us up, and barricade himself  in the den.  Then when all negotiations failed with the police (who have now landed in my back yard) and are trying to talk him out with a megaphone, he decides the only way out is to kill himself – and bleed all over my new rug. But that didn’t happen. I found out that the LAPD was trying to chase the paparazzi away who were scaring the neighbors, trying to get a photo of Robbie Williams who was getting married.  Who knew he lived down the street? Who knew he was getting married? Who even knew who he  was?  

“What’s up, homie?”

“What’s up, Homie?” When I heard that, I knew there’d be trouble. When I was stopped for my seatbelt, I was also cited for not having proof of insurance so I went to the courthouse today to show proof that I had it all along. There were about 100 people in line and I noticed one guy close to the front who wasn’t there before. He was hard to miss, this middle Eastern man, with his red shirt, tight jeans, D&G belt buckle, a pack of Marlboros squashed in the front pocket and the shiniest pointiest shoes I’ve ever seen. He was watching a movie on his iPad and talking on his cell phone while standing directly under the “No Cell Phones” sign. There was some rumbling starting in the crowd and finally a young guy wearing a tight T-shirt with big muscles confronted him. “You cut in line,” he said and Red answered, “No, I didn’t.” “I saw you and you are not going to the window before me,” said the T-shirt/muscles guy. We all watched as they continued to argue and then an even bigger guy, with an even tighter T-shirt and even bigger muscles, got in T-shirt’s face. “What’s up, homie?” Oh oh. The crowd was silent and frozen still. “I said what’s up, homie? You got a problem?” When T-shirt tried to explain that Red cut in line, Bigger Muscles said, “Relax, man. Let it go.” “I won’t let it go, he cut in line.” Then chests got bigger, we got quieter, and BM said, “You want to take it outside?” “Yeah.” They started to move and I asked the guy in front of me, who weighed in at around 300, if I could take shelter behind him. I cowered in his girth as T-Shirt and his posse and BM and his homies headed outside. There was no security. The next thing I know, they are all talking and cooling down in the corner. We in line were so relieved no one died, we all started talking and laughing about it and it helped pass the time. Five minutes, later, Red shirt was back in line, cutting in front of about 60 people, but no one complained. After an hour and a half, I got to the window, cleared myself, paid a $25 fine, and as I started to leave, the clerk said, “You know, you could have done this in the mail.”

There was blood everywhere

I had a marathon nosebleed last night that lasted over an hour, from 1:00 to 2:15 am. By the time it was over, there was blood everywhere – on the sheets, pillow, nightshirt, bathroom counter and floor. Usually, I can stop my nosebleeds with some pressure but every time I let go of the pressure, blood came pouring out like a faucet. I realize that I blow my nose a lot due to allergies and I guess I went too far. This was coming from the posterior and (stop reading here if you’re queazy already) going down my throat and coming out of both nostrils. That part was scary. When I started spitting up blood, Denis wanted to take me to the hospital but I refused to go and tried one more time to sit still (and forward) and squeeze my nose, this time for 20 minutes nonstop. The bleeding slowed down and finally stopped but I got very little sleep. In the morning, the bedroom looked like a crime scene, and so did my face. I’ll be more careful next time.

Another earthquake

We had a 3.1 earthquake today but I didn’t know about it until I watched the news tonight.  I was in my car around mid afternoon so I never felt it. I can’t count the number of earthquakes I’ve experienced – quite a few in the middle of the night, some at my desk, one when I was going to the bathroom – that was around a magnitude five. I jumped up to get under a doorway but I wasn’t done making the wee wee’s.  (I know, TMI.)  I often wonder what I’ll be doing when the big one hits. Not cutting my own bangs, I hope.