He didn’t come back today. 🙁

I’ve always wondered what kind of ads people place in the tabloid classifieds so I decided to take a look. I saw lots of astrologers and chat/datelines but then I saw this one tiny ad and I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Is this legal? What kind of people would need a new identity? Aren’t most of them in jail? How much is a Master’s Degree in Literature? I would like one. I decided to google the phone number and came up with a publishing company (Eden Press) that sells How-To books, like…

How to Disappear in America

Methods of Disguise

The ID Forger: Homemade Birth Certificates and Other Documents Explained

The Modern Identity Changer

Birth Certificate Fraud

Collection and Use of Social Security Numbers

Reborn Overseas

100 Ways to Disappear and Live Free

How to Make Driver’s Licenses and Other ID on your Home Computer

Does the DMV know about this?  Shouldn’t these people be arrested? But then they’d skip out on their bail & resurface as somebody else! This has to be great news for criminals. Lets hope the Taliban doesn’t pick up the Enquirer. I just can’t believe they can sell books like this! What’s next?…books like…

“Ten Ways to Steal Your Grandmother’s Identity”

“How to Print Money on Your Basement”

“Better Homes for Squatters: Beverly Hills Edition”

“Don’t Let Cataracts Keep You from Driving”

“Ponzi Schemes for Dummies”

For some people, it’s fingernails dragging across a blackboard (do they still use blackboards?) but for me there’s one thing that makes me cringe. It’s so bad that I don’t even have to do it – I just think about doing it and I get the shivering shakes as though a spider just crawled down my back. It’s putting a piece of newspaper between my teeth and rubbing me teeth on the paper. Oh God! I just said it and I’ve got the heebie-jeebies! And it has to be real newspaper, the kind that’s sort of fuzzy – eeew!! I’ve always wondered if I’m the only one. Does anybody else have this aversion to newspaper between the teeth? What makes you cringe?

Regis Philbin is finally retiring!  When I was an up-and-coming comedian, my career got a big boost when I appeared on Live with Regis & Kathy Lee. It was 1990 and Regis’s wife, Joy, was filling in for Kathie Lee. They helped me promote my Girls’ Night Out show, comedy for women only,  which led to my talk show. By now you must be thinking, “If only there was a way to see Jenny’s appearance with Regis from back in the day… if only we had that kind of technology…” Wait a minute — this might work: 🙂 Link

I met Denis 26 years ago when I was a struggling stand up comic and he was a Hollywood location manager. I had invited a personal manager to come and see me perform at the L.A. Cabaret in Encino, hoping he would sign me for representation. He invited his friend, Denis, to get his opinion on this new female comedian. I guess Denis must have liked me because the manager signed me, but I never heard from Denis after that. I tried to let him know I was interested.  He had a great sense of humor so I would often call him for his opinion on some jokes, saying, “It’s Saturday night and I’m just home working on material.” He was clueless. My manager brought him to other performances but Denis still never asked me out. For a year. Yes, it was almost a year from when we met that Denis finally asked me out. He picked me up in his 1969 Volkswagen Bug (that he still has!) and took me out to dinner. It seemed like we could talk forever and I was in love. So was he. I took a steady job in Las Vegas with the Playboy Girls of Rock & Roll as their comedy act, and Denis came every weekend, leaving right after work Friday to catch my late show, he stayed for the weekend, and he’d stay up with me Sunday night until 2 in the morning, and then drive back to L.A. in time for work Monday morning. I called  him my “precious little puppy fluff.” As my career progressed, he supported me at every turn. He was at every Star Search taping (that’s where this picture was taken), calming my nerves with his humor, he travelled all over the country just to be with me when I was on the road.  He has been my source of strength through family emergencies, my breast implant nightmare, the talk show crisis, and I know he will stand by me no matter where life takes us. My wish for everyone this Valentine’s day is that someone loves you the way Denis loves me.

I was invited to appear on the View this month but declined. I felt a bit uneasy because it’s February and feel-good stories like Jenny’s Heroes aren’t sensational enough for sweeps. They said they just wanted to see what I’m up to but I doubt that, so I declined. Last year, I was also asked to host Jack LaLanne’s infomercial but I’ve been turning down infomercials for years. But wait a minute – he was almost a hundred years old! Were they looking for someone to appeal to his demographic? Did Betty White turn them down? Olivia De Havilland not available?

Then last week, someone called about hosting an infomercial for something called Lifestyle Lift.  Here’s a picture from their website:

Why are they calling me? This is a facelift! Do you suppose I was going to be the new “before” & “after?” What’s next? “Now, here’s Jenny Jones to tell you about the new Ortho-Med Shower Chair!” Should I stock up if Depends go on sale? Maybe my car isn’t the only thing that needs some work but I won’t let this get me down. I still have my teeth.