Luke writes…
Dear Jenny,
I’m a 15 year old gay male. I’ve been with 7 older men. I’m currently in a relationship with a 28 year old guy. He’s really great and I love him very much so. I told my family about him and they flipped. My grandmother actually had the nerve to say he was a “pedophile.” Although legally this is true, I feel completely different; on our first date I wanted to become intimate but HE was the one to say “that we need to take it slow and get to know each other.” I know there’s a huge age gap but we love each other. He wants to meet them and be a part of my life. I don’t know how I’m going to work that out though. I don’t want to keep lying to my family but I’m not backing out of this because of them. Please Tell Me What To Do Jenny…
Sincerely,
Luke

My response…
Dear Luke,
I hope you’re not expecting me to support you in this because I can’t. I applaud your family for taking issue with this relationship because it means they care about your wellbeing. Any sexual relationship between a 15-year-old and a 28-year old in unacceptable, and very likely illegal where you live. My reaction would be the same if this was a straight relationship so please be clear that it’s not about your being gay. It’s about an older person manipulating and taking advantage of someone vulnerable. It concerns me that you are the one who wanted to be intimate and I urge you to put your sex life on hold for a while. No one should be intimate on a first date, no matter what age. I’m guessing he says he wants to take it slow so he won’t get arrested. Luke, I know your emotions are strong right now but please do not continue this relationship. If it’s meant to be, wait until you’re out of your teens – but I’m pretty sure by the time you’re 20, you’ll look back on this and see that everyone objected for good reason. The bigger issue is why have you been with 7 older men? What are you looking for from them that’s missing from your life? A lot of young people give up sex to be accepted because they feel that’s all they have to offer. I hope you can speak to a counselor or therapist and maybe talk this out and build up your confidence so you can build an appropriate relationship with someone close to your age, a relationship built on friendship and common interests. If it eventually leads to sex, then it won’t be the only thing you have to give. If you were my son, this man would never be welcome in our home, and if he had sex with you, I would have him arrested. I’m sorry this is not what you want to hear but if this man truly cared about you, he would respect you enough to stay away. Don’t lie to your family. You’re clearly not in a position to see this man for who he is, but I hope you’ll trust that some of us who are older and wiser are looking out for you.

Scherrie writes…
Dear Jenny,
I will be 47 next year, do you think that is too old to go back to school?
Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing what you think.
Namaste,
Scherrie

My response…
Scherrie, 47 too old? Absolutely not! I was 45 when I started my talk show. I’m 62 now and planning to go back to school to study nutrition. Go back to school and follow your dream. It will give you a great sense of pride and accomplishment.

Jenny

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“I Need Advice” writes…
Dear Jenny,
I’m a 24-year old straight-acting gay guy who came out only some 3 years ago and was confused for some time before that. I thought long and hard about my orientation and discovered that I was gay. Ever since then I’ve been comfortable with being gay. I’ve told the people I care about it (except my parents) and they’ve been completely ok with it, but that’s not my problem. I live with housemates, all straight guys and I was rather close to one of them (he’s known I’m gay for as long as I’ve known)… close as in we tell each other pretty much everything, joke around constantly, and a little touchy but in a man-to-man, friendly, non-romantic way. (don’t get the wrong idea cause he has a very sweet girlfriend who I adore and they are one of the sweetest couples I’ve ever met).

I care for him as if he were my own flesh and blood, but a few weeks ago he started being so distant. He stopped joking around, stopped the touchy business which he usually initiates and whatever closeness that was there was lost. I thought I did something that I didn’t notice because he was fine with my other housemates so I asked him if everything was ok and he told me there’s nothing wrong. So I went on treating him as always even though he was still very distant and I hoped he was just having a very bad few weeks. After a few weeks I couldn’t stand it and asked him again if I did anything wrong and that if I did I was very sorry. He assured me that I didn’t do anything and he denies being distant. My friend says that he might have thought that I was coming on to him but I have never had such feelings for him. So what is it? It sucks to lose a friend for no good reason. And I’ve been avoiding him for the past few days hoping it’ll do some good. Should I just forget it and pretend we were never close in the first place and get on with my life as far away from him as possible? Or should I just carry on trying to patch whatever needs patching up for whatever reason?

My Response…
Dear “I Need Advice,”
There are a few things in this situation that bother me, and the first one is not related to your question. You say you’ve told the people you care about that you’re gay, but not your parents. Is it you who’s not totally comfortable about it or them? How can you live an authentic life when you’re hiding who you really are? Of course it’s not easy telling your parents, but I hope you will consider freeing yourself fully and coming out to them, too. Now as for your friend, I hope somebody corrects me if I’m wrong, but straight guys simply do not do touchy feely stuff with other guys. They just don’t; it makes them uncomfortable. I’ll say it again: There is no such thing as man-to-man touchy feely between straight men. This leads me to think the problem is that he may be conflicted and that’s why he’s pulling away. He may have a girlfriend, but I know a lot of gay people who date, even marry, the opposite sex. But even if he’s totally straight, the closeness seems to have made him uncomfortable. So here is my common sense take on this situation: He may be conflicted about his sexuality and not ready to deal with it. He needs time. He’s being honest when he says you didn’t do anything wrong. So accept that. What would be wrong is if you mention it to him again. You’ve asked him twice already so give him some space. I’m not done yet.

I think you do care for him… that way. To say you should “get on with my life as far away from him as possible” serms a bit dramatic for just a close friend. To answer your question, yes I think you should get on with your life and let this angst go. Let him be as much of a friend as he wants to be. If he doesn’t feel your obsessiveness, he will come around and will feel free to be himself, whichever way that goes.

Jenny

Jennifer writes…
Dear Jenny,
My boyfriend, John, and I have lived together for 4-1/2 years. It has not been a easy road. We fell in love and we both still have strong physical attractions to one another. Our sex life has been great, although it has slowed down. My problem started a couple of years ago when one of his ex-girlfriends (Brenda) contacts him after 20 years to say she’s moving back to town. She was constantly calling him. One morning at 4 am I woke up to find him talking low to someone on the phone. I said, “Who are you talking to at this time?” He told her, “I have to go. Jennifer just woke up and there’s going to be trouble. He told her he would talk to her later. Needless to say I had a fit. I could not believe it! A few minutes later the phone rings, he answers it, and it’s her again. He said, “I told you I would talk to you later,” and hung up.

I asked him what was going on. He said her mother was really sick and she was drunk. She called again. I was absolutely crushed. He will not tell her to quit calling because she has a boyfriend. He keeps talking to her behind my back and ended up at her house to visit her and her boyfriend. Finally, about six months ago he told her not to call here anymore because it caused problems. However, I found a couple of calls he has made to her. Now, another ex-girlfriend was looking for him on the website “Reunions.” She sent him a e-mail saying she has never stopped fantasizing about him, even though she is married. She said she would really like to reconnect with him. John gives her the house phone number (he does not have a cellphone). She called and he told her this was not a good time to talk. So they converse back and forth with e-mails. This has been going on for about 5 months. I know because I went to open my e-mail and John’s opened up. I know it was wrong for me to intrude, but whever I walk in he shuts down his email. I don’t because I have nothing to hide.

Last week we were in a heated conversation and he blurts out… “Oh, by the way Brenda will be coming out here next month.” I did not say a word, as my heart dropped to my stomach. Later, I asked him why he is doing this to me. It’s not right. He should tell them that he is in a relationship and I don’t like it. How should I deal with this? He tells me to quit crying because he’s not doing anything wrong, and it’s my problem, not his. I don’t know what to do.

Jennifer

My Response…
Jennifer, do you really need me to tell you this guy is a dog? How many signs do you need? Secret phone calls? Giving a married woman your home phone number? Going to Brenda’s house to see her and her boyfriend? Are you kidding me? Telling you she’s coming to town!?! He’s not even trying to hide his cheating ways. And are you supposed to be happy that he says he can’t talk because Jennifer will get upset? How about, “I can’t talk right now…or ever…because I am in a relationship with Jennifer who I love and respect. And I would never disrespect her by carrying on a secret relationship with anyone else.” The only thing he’s right about is that this is not his problem, it’s yours because you are allowing him to disrespect you. Next late night phone call that doesn’t end with the statement above, should be the last one. After that, go out and find a real man.
Jenny

“Sue” writes…
I’M A MOTHER OF ONE CHILD AND LIVE WITH MY BOYFRIEND. WE’VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 7 YEARS BUT HE’S VIOLENT. WHEN WE ARGUE. HE GETS SO ANGRY HE’S NOT THE SAME. WE BROKE UP A FEW TIMES BUT WE ALWAYS GET BACK TOGETHER. HE HITS ME, PUNCHES ME AND SAYS LOTS OF HORRIBLE THINGS TO ME. HIS FATHER WAS VIOLENT TOWARDS HIS MOTHER AND THEY DIVORCED. I KNOW HE HAD A BAD CHILDHOOD BUT I DONT WANT MY DAUGHTER TO SEE VIOLENCE ANYMORE. I LOVE HIM AND IT’S HARD FOR ME. I DONT WANT ANY MORE KIDS WITH HIM BECAUSE I DONT WANT MORE CHILDREN BROUGHT UP IN VIOLENCE. HE’S VERY NICE WHEN WE DON’T ARGUE BUT I ALWAYS HAVE TO WATCH OUT NOT TO SAY AND DO SOMETHING TO MAKE HIM ANGRY. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

“Sue”

My Response…
Dear Sue,
Your letter made me sad, especially for your daughter. This is not a good way for either you or her to live. I’m sure you know that if your daughter sees you being hit, she will assume it’s normal and could wind up being a battered woman herself. It’s never okay for a man to hit a woman and you need to be strong to do what you know you need to do. You say that you broke up a few times which tells me that it’s safe for you to leave. Otherwise, you must be very careful because it can be dangerous for battered women to leave certain men. If he let you leave peacefully in the past, then you must do it, but do it differently. Let him know very clearly that you will no longer allow yourself or your daughter to live with his violence. Be firm. Be strong. He needs to know you mean it and there will be no more “trying.” Tell him if he loves you, he needs to get anger management counseling, and only then will you even consider seeing him again, and he will still need to prove himself. In other words, he can’t just say he’s fine now and you move back in. If he addresses HIS problem, then you can slowly start dating again. If he refuses, move on. He does not love you. He is a horrible role model for your daughter. And it could get more dangerous for you. This will not get better unless you take a stand. But be careful. If you have any fear that he won’t let you leave without retaliation, then only do it with outside help. Do it for yourself and for your daughter.
Please take care,
Jenny

California Fan writes…
Hi, Jenny,

A few years ago, my wife and I decided to make a new start for our 2 kids and moved from California to Arizona. Since then, my mother passed away and my dad moved out of his house, but kept it, and got a smaller place for himself. He really wanted us to move into the old house, which we did. He had given a few of my mom’s things away but the rest is still in the house. We are trying to move in after 2 months but still have not unpacked our belongings. My dad lived in this house for 30 years and out of respect for him, we do not throw or give anything away without asking him first. Some of it is his old stuff that he hasn’t used in 15 years but he won’t throw it away. It gets worse. Like I said, it’s his house and on a daily basis he storms into what is our room now, he goes through things and yells at me or my children because things are not exactly the way he left them. I can’t live like this much longer. I gave up a well paying job with lower living expenses in Arizona and moved back here so my father would not be alone and end up a bitter old man. I’m almost at my wit’s end.

“California Fan”

My Response…
Dear California Fan

First of all, I admire you for respecting your dad, as frustrating and difficult as it must be. I also understand how lost he must be without his partner. Clearly, moving into his old house was not the best idea. It might have worked if you had made a clear agreement to empty the house, change the locks, and live there as a renter would, but he doesn’t seem ready to let things go. You can’t continue to live there under these conditions. The question is, what’s the best way to fix it? It seems to me he might be happier living in his old house with all his memories, so maybe you could suggest that to him. You might even find out he regrets moving out but doesn’t want to ask you to leave. Or maybe he’d be open to putting their old belongings in storage so it will feel more like your place and he won’t be upset with your “invasion.” Arizona is not too far from California so I would also consider moving back. Or if you want to be closer to your dad, move to another place across town. Tell him there are many reasons why it’s not working and offer to help him either sell or rent the old house, or move him back in, whatever he wants. Whatever option you choose, you really have to make a change. Living in this stressful environment is not healthy for your family, or your dad.
My best,
Jenny

“Very Confused” writes…
Dear Jenny,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. He has some control issues and is very jealous. Sometimes the fighting is just verbal and sometimes it does become violent. Everything I do is wrong, according to him. I don’t dress the way he wants me to and we argue over our kids. I have one of my own and he has 2 by 2 different women. He says my daughter is mean and hateful, but I still love him. I’ve left him a few times but I always came back thinking if I stay and work harder, maybe we can make it. Now he says he won’t put anything into this relationship any more and if I can’t do only the things he allows me to do, then he’d rather be without me. He’s really not a bad person and has some likeable qualities. I’m stressed out and depressed and I don’t know what to do. I feel this is affecting my daughter, too. So, where do I go from here?

“Very confused”

My Response…
Dear “VeryConfused,”

I see so many red flags in your letter and they all mean this is not a good place for you. This man does not love you, no matter what he says; he just wants someone he can own. So, do you want to be a piece of property or do you want to be treated with respect? Which footsteps do you want your daughter to follow? If she sees a man demean you or hit you, she’ll think it’s okay. It is not okay, not ever. You are her role model and I think you know this is not good for her. It’s also not good for you. I don’t believe in your heart that you love him, I think you’re still there because there is a certain safety in a familiar situation, even when it’s a bad one. And don’t defend him. I’m sure Hitler had some likeable qualities too but he was a bad person. You deserve to be happy and your daughter needs to feel safe. When a man has control issues it can be dangerous to leave so I am not saying pack your bags. But if you left before and came back on your own, maybe it will be safe to leave again – you have to make that judgment carefully. If he really says he’d rather be without you and doesn’t care, and only if you’re sure he won’t want his “property” back, then take the opportunity to leave and create a positive and healthy environment for you and your daughter. And wait for the right man to come along – one that respects you and loves you unconditionally.
Take care,
Jenny

Lilly writes…
Dear Jenny,

I like this guy I work with and he likes me too. But he has always said he would never date anyone he works with. We have gone out to groups and socially but I want to be more than just friends. I don’t think our personal lives would interfere with work, but he says he doesn’t want to cause trouble. I know he likes me because he acts like it at work but I don’t see why he won’t date me. I really like him but I don’t think I should have to quit my job in order to pursue a relationship with him. What do you think?

My response…
Dear Lilly,
It sounds to me like you are seeing more in this relationship than really exists. Think about it. If a guy you worked with came on to you and you weren’t interested, all you’d have to say is, “I don’t think it’s a good idea to get involved with a co-worker.” An easy out. No hurt feelings. End of story. I think that’s what he’s doing. If he really wanted you, he would find a way to be with you. So don’t quit your job. And look for a guy who wants you bad. That would be good.
Jenny

“Messed Up Mommy” writes…
Dear Jenny,

I’m pregnant with twins and I’m also dating two guys. I don’t know which one is the father but both of them want full time custody of the twins. I don’t want the babies so would it be okay to give one to each guy? They would both be loving fathers.

Messed Up Mommy

My Response…
Dear Messed Up Mommy,

First of all, do not split the twins up. It’s unthinkable to even consider splitting them up. They need to grow up together so here is what I suggest. First, tell the guys that as soon as the babies are born you will get a paternity test. It’s theoretically possible that there are two different fathers but not likely. Once the father is determined, and if he can be a responsible parent and can provide a loving and stable home for the children, then the twins may be better off with him and his family. But I’m hoping you will find your maternal instincts and choose to be the mother these babies need. The best scenario is to have both parents raise these twins. Otherwise, adoption may be a good option, but only if the twins stay together. Please make sure they grow up together, in a home where they are wanted and loved.
Jenny