Squirrels, it seems you are remiss in your annual fruit-tree pruning work. I noticed that I still have some almost-ripe pomegranates on my tree but last year, you had already decimated them all, even though the seeds were still white inside. Where are you? How could you have missed these bright red globes of goodness? Not hungry? Lost your appetite? Perhaps you’re spending too much time on the much smaller tomato-flavored red globes of goodness and neglected to notice that the pomegranates are almost ripe. I can’t imagine what’s keeping you mangy, rat-faced, no-good, low-life, beady-eyed, scum-sucking, fruit-eating squirrels away from my tree???  Come back! I miss you! We can share. Oops… I gotta go. My pants are on fire.

It looks like my little bunny has had enough tomatoes and is moving on to the flowers. He’s living a pampered life here in my backyard. It’s my fault – I’ve spoiled him. Now I’m worried about the cold weather. Should I get him a blanket… make him some soup?

The good news is the rabbit is not eating my tomatoes any more. The bad news is… he found my apples. I went out to check on him yesterday and found a half-eaten tomato. I wondered why he didn’t finish his tomato, until I saw him feasting on one of my apples. It’s a backyard buffet!  This is a dwarf tree so I only have about 20 apples on it right now, as opposed to hundreds of tomatoes still on the vine. Frankly, I’d rather he take the tomatoes since I’m a little tired of picking them every day. By the way, the new total today is 4,321 cherry tomatoes!

When I caught him with the apple, I tried to shoo him away, but he only stepped a few inches away from the apple and stood his ground, making sure I wasn’t going to take it. What would I do with a half-eaten apple? Wait a minute.. getting hit with an apple might knock him unconscious and then the owl could come down and take him away. This is my dream.

Last night this owl showed up in the backyard again. This time I was able to get a photo. I laid down my plastic snake again and hid behind a bush, but he didn’t bite. He sat on a sprinkler. Maybe next time, I’ll turn on the water and make him come down for my snake.

Then today, my nemesis came back but this time, he was eating the green tomatoes! The green ones! I’ve been picking all the red and almost-red ones but I can’t pick them green. I tried the plastic snake again but he just hops over it to get inside the plant. Oh wait, I still have my plastic hawk! I’ll put that out today and maybe it’ll bring me luck. Hey… I know what would bring me good luck….

I can’t believe this!

After everything I’ve done for him… he stabs me in the back! Every time I saw him, he was eating the grass. I even gave him lettuce… my good stuff! For what? This is how he pays me back??  I couldn’t believe my eyes. All this time, I was blaming the mangy, rat-faced, no-good, low-life, beady-eyed, scum-sucking, tomato-eating squirrel. At least the squirrel is man enough to do it to my face.

UPDATE: I put out my new plastic snake… he tried to eat it!

(First off, I did not take this picture – I found it online) So… last night around 7 pm, Denis and I were out in the back yard and saw a large bird fly over our heads and land in a tree. Denis said, “That’s an owl. Get your camera!” I ran in and got my zoom lens and took some pictures but it was getting dark and the photos were blurred. But still, it was pretty exciting to see it in person. We usually just hear them at night. This photo shows the kind it was… a Great Horned Owl. It was huge! Then I decided to try taking video so I went back for my camcorder. Ready to shoot, I said, “Denis, see if you can get him to fly.” So Denis started flailing his arms and making noise but the bird just stared at us, probably wondering if we had food. “Throw something in his direction, maybe he’ll fly,”  I said. Denis took a lemon off our tree and pitched it hard but the owl was too far away. So we watched him until it got too dark to see. Then this morning I remembered I just bought a plastic snake. It’s so real-looking I had to show the gardeners it wasn’t real so they wouldn’t attack it with a shovel. I should have put the snake on the ground and waited for the owl to swoop down and carry it away. So tonight, I’m setting up a sting. I’m putting my plastic snake on the ground and hiding behind a bush with my video camera to see if he comes back. That could work, couldn’t it? Or do I need to get a job?

It looks like my rabbit is here to stay.

I caught him stealing a leaf off my avocado tree and he didn’t know what do do. The leaf was as big as his head! It was a standoff. He tried to stare me down but what was he thinking? “Back off, lady, or I’ll eat this leaf right now!” I just took his picture and let him have his snack. How can I be mad at something so cute? Funny, that’s what Denis says when I’m mad at him… and he is cute, but not as cute as my little bunny. But Denis’s ears are getting a little longer…

The hummingbirds in my backyard are now in charge and we work for them. We’re going through five pounds of sugar every week! We have seven feeders all around the yard but the one on the yellow hook is their favorite. The sugar water in that one disappears by the end of every day and we have to make more. I’m a prisoner. I want to go to Vegas for the weekend… but I can’t. Who’s gonna feed the birds? I don’t want them to leave. But I want my freedom. I shot this video yesterday and there are four instances where one bird lands on another one’s back and literally pulls him off the feeder. It turns out that hummingbirds are always looking over their shoulder. Maybe they got that from my squirrel.

“OMG, it’s tomato heaven!”

“If I stand perfectly still down here, she’ll never see me.”

“She thinks it’s that mangy, rat-faced, no-good, low-life, beady-eyed, scum-sucking, fruit-stealing squirrel that’s eating her tomatoes.”

“Dumb-ass.”

What happened?

No more peaches on the tree?

“No problem. I’ll just grab an apple!”

I hate you.

Stop grabbing my apples!!!

How about if I come down and grab your nuts?