This house is cursed! Still recovering from the hideous scorpion at my front door last Monday, we were sitting on the patio today at lunch time sipping tea, and a skunk walks by right across the lawn. A skunk. In the middle of the day! Just walking by. Didn’t see us. Didn’t even look over. And he was big. I did not have my camera so this is not his picture – he was bigger than this one. Here’s a list of back yard visitors so far, from biggest to smallest: deer, coyote, bobcat, ring-necked pheasant, red-tailed hawk, mangy, rat-faced, no-good, low-life, beady-eyed, scum-sucking, tomato-stealing squirrel, rat, garter snake, rattle snake, lizard, and scorpion. The only thing that has not visited so far that was just spotted in Burbank is a mountain lion. It wouldn’t surprise me. Maybe they eat squirrels. You gotta have a dream.

Why is this happening to me? This thing was at my front door today! I opened the door and it was inches from coming inside. What?? At first I thought somebody was playing a joke and it was plastic, but then it moved. I was so stunned I truly was speechless. In 40 years of living in Southern California, I have never seen a scorpion. I did not think they lived here. This is bad, right? Not really.

Here’s the really bad news: Denis said, “Oh, there was one in my office last week but I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to scare you.”

“What?!?” (I swear I just felt something on my neck! – I’ve gotta go)

Let’s just call it what it is.

Bird food. New name? Squirrel food.

You would think a birdhouse hanging on a single wire would keep out these mangy, rat-faced, no-good, low-life, beady-eyed, scum-sucking, bird food-stealing squirrels!

But noooooooooooooo! This was his little private playhouse… until I slammed together two metal pots and he went flying out the side like a frisbee on steroids.  Next time: Mexican jalapeno corn nuts. “Adios, mi amigo. Usted no está bienvenido aqui.”

Goodbye, my flying fuzzy frisbee. Keep flying all the way to Mexico you “sarnoso, rata-encaró, maldito, de los bajos fondos, de ojos pequeños, verdín-chupando, el pájaro ardillas alimento-robando!”