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Listen to me you little punk. If I catch you even glancing at my apple tree, you’re dead. Like a flat skunk on the side of the road: dead. Like Osama Bin Laden: dead. Like Arnold Schwarzeneggar’s marriage: dead. Do you feel me?
See this picture?
There are seven apples on this branch. The day I see six, I will hunt you down like a menopausal maniac. You’d better watch your back.
I just found a video from my stand up days where I closed the show with a parody of Gloria Gaynor’s monster hit, “I Will Survive.”
It was 1985 and I think this was at the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas.
Let’s not talk about why I was wearing a Wilma Flintstone dress… hey, it was the 80s!
My version of the song is all about how I handled an obscene call. Click the picture to watch this Vintage Video.
I was stunned to see Scotty and both Haley and Lauren in the final three and not James. He wanted it more than any of them and clearly had a hard time accepting defeat. Watching this show is too sad when losing is so painful. I remember being on Star Search and how with every performance my heart pounded so hard I was afraid the microphone would pick it up. Everything was at stake. And when I won, my career soared. But the comic I defeated seemed to disappear. Watching this episode brought back a lot of memories of striving for acceptance, dealing with rejection, and the roller coaster of emotion that being a struggling performer brings. I thought once I succeeded, things would change and I’d no longer have to face rejection and even worse, I’d never feel like I didn’t matter. Some day, I will talk about the many times I was rejected at the peak of my television career and by whom. Maybe that’s why I won’t go back…
Wild birds must love my back yard because we had another visitor this morning.
It’s a California quail and it was sitting up high for a while and as I got closer with my camera, it flew away.
This was the best photo I could get.
I never know what to expect when I walk out to the back yard.
It wasn’t long ago that a beautiful ring-necked pheasant hung around for almost two weeks. He was so regal looking, I had named him “Baron Von Jonesenheimer III.”
He was not afraid of people and everyone who came by was stunned to see him just walking around. We fed him for a few days in hopes he would stay but he finally flew away.
I had my “supposed to be annual but wasn’t” eye exam yesterday. I went to Lenscrafters and there were only two of us customers there but it still took almost two hours. But the good news is my eyes are healthy, but my reading glasses need a new prescription. No wonder I can’t read a dinner menu in a candle-lit restaurant!
Have you ever spent money on a skincare product that doesn’t live up to its promise, and you wish you could let other people know?
Well, you can do it here.
Or… if you found a product you love and want to spread the word, you can do that, too.
Simply give the exact name of the product, your skin type and your review.
Maybe we can all learn from each other…
Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms and to my stepmom, Roula.
I didn’t send her flowers because the last time she was here, I had made some of my caramel corn. She tried a bite and loved it but said she was too full and would have some later when we watched TV. But while we were watching TV, she fell asleep. So Denis and I started snacking on it and before we knew it, it was all gone. (I’m telling you, you can’t stop eating it!). The next day, she was going back to Vegas and asked if she could take the caramel corn with her. I had to confess and she couldn’t believe we ate that much caramel corn, but we did. We laughed about it and I promised I would make it for her another time. So I made a batch of my delicious caramel corn with almonds and walnuts (her favorite) and fedexed it to her overnight so it was fresh for Mother’s Day. By the time I called yesterday morning to see if it arrived, she already ate about half! I’d say she liked her Mother’s Day present, but now I need to make more… for me.
The painters are gone.
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I got my house back.
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And I photographed some back yard flowers.
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I had to add the smilies to make this page fit right.
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More smilies.
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Now it all fits. Enjoy my flowers.
It was a beautiful, sunny day today so I knew when we heard water drops on the living room floor, it was not good. We saw a leak that ran the length of our double doors so we had to put down a row of bowls to catch the water coming from the door frame. I called the plumber. I was not ready for this. I was already dealing with the exterior of the house being painted by a crew of twelve painters who have been here every day this week from 7 am.
The plumber came right away and had to cut into the wall of my bathroom – my sanctuary – my beautiful powder blue bathroom, tossing insulation and drywall onto my floor, to get to the broken pipe. The leak is fixed but now I have two giant holes in my wall. I started to imagine what might come crawling out of these openings so I just taped some fabric over the holes as a spider-block. Tomorrow: more painters… AND an electrician who is coming in the morning to fix an electrical problem guess where? In my bathroom! Why is this happening to me? I don’t want all these men up there! That’s too much testosterone in my girlie place. After they all leave, I’ll have to burn a smudge stick to cleanse the room, or some incense or candles to get rid of the butt-crack vibe and get my girlie place back.
My talk show premiered in the fall of 1991 and one of my first big features was a behind-the-scenes tour on the set of All My Children including a sit down interview with its biggest star, Susan Lucci. Here we are chatting in Erica Kane’s wardrobe room. Now remember, this was almost twenty years ago but when you watch the video, look at Susan then compared to how she looks now. She looks awesome today, maybe even more awesomer (a made up word) today – how does that happen? I can’t say the same for the woman in the royal blue shoulder pads and bouncy hair… Hey, I just noticed my flying saucer earrings! Don’t look at me. Click here
Osama bin Laden is dead!
Ding Dong – the witch is dead!
Hey, Osama,
Good luck spotting those 72 virgins through all the flames down there!
CANADA
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U.S.A.